Goodbye, old friend.
Love boiled down to its purrrrrest form.
2/17/21 Spring House, PA 2100hrs.
We had to say goodbye to Binx last night. We thought we were going to lose him a few weeks ago but he bounced back and gave us a few more cherished weeks. I miss him so much. He was not in good shape and it was time. We had 16 good years together and I feel lucky that, out of all the cats in the world, we got him. I wish I could go back to the summer, back to when I was wishing time would stop in its tracks. I would give anything to be able to do that. I knew as I was living it that it was a golden age of sorts for my life, a time that I know I’m going to look back on and wish I was there. I knew that it was and is important to cherish each day, and I hope I did.
These past couple weeks I knew that our paths were diverging, and I tried to trust in the fact that death is part of life. That we will all die, and that there’s nothing particularly wrong with that. But oh, it doesn’t make it hurt less. And it’s different now that he actually is gone. I grew up with Binx and I can’t grow up again. I can feel the part of me that yearns to be a child again, to be sheltered from all bad things by my parents, my friends, my cats, and my innocence.
The passage of time, the changes that I’ve feared, are here — they always were here.
A chapter has ended for me, and this is a loss, one that I feel deeply. He wasn’t just a cat, he was a member of our family. A companion in life that made things brighter and better. He was ours. We were his. I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over losing him. 16 years with a pet is more than you can ask for, but there is a part of me that will always wish he was begging me for treats and coming in to hang out with me. It was a simple yet astonishingly strong bond. Love boiled down to its purest form.
He’s been with us since I was 9 years old and it’s strange and unsettling to know that I now have to go the rest of my life without him. I think my heart will always ache for him, but I suppose grief is just love with nowhere to go. It’s easy to understand why people adamantly believe in an afterlife, because I would literally give anything to be with him again. I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be when I lose my parents.
Life only guarantees one thing: loss.
My job seemed extra meaningless today. Why am I pursuing the gain of capital instead spending every day squeezing all that is possible out of my relationships? It makes me want to be closer to my family, to move home and marry my girlfriend. But right now I just want my boy back.
The Stoned Cat
Navigating the strangeness of life.
